Yesterday I ate a protein bar I didn’t really want. I had a second helping of bean soup that I didn’t really want. I added extra beans to my tortilla so that it was overflowing and messy. And I went to the store to get a tub of peanut butter when I really wanted to sit at home, then layered that peanut butter on my food when I didn’t really want the peanut butter on my food. This was on top of my normal 3-4 meals. I also went to the gym to lift weights when I am battling Shingles and just wanted to rest. All told, I ate an extra 1000 healthy calories on top of a high calorie day (I eat about 4000 healthy/boring calories a day) and spent 45 minutes lifting relatively heavy weights (200 pound bench press, 130 pound bicep press, 215 pound lat pull down, 350 leg press). Despite all the food I eat that I don’t want to eat, I am almost always hungry – I feel hungry almost every waking minute, even 30 minutes after eating a pizza. Despite all this, this morning I woke up, weighed myself, and weighted 1 pound *less* than yesterday — 155 pounds at 5’11. Ugh. And people always tell me how “lucky” I am, and occassionally will comment that I look too thin.
Having grown up with a parent and her family who battles weight the other way, I know how much work and blood/sweat/tears goes into losing weight. It is hard, and often thankless and endless and downright frustrating. I also know from my own experience it works both ways – keeping weight on for some people is hard and thankless and relentless and occassionally frustrating work. And because I like to stay healthy, it is not like I get to gorge on cookies and ice cream and sausage pizza – I watch my intake of those just like a weight watcher would. But no one — not even my wife, who lives with me and who encourages me to eat more calories but comments how lucky I am – gets that. It is a lonely thing, fighting weight the “other” way.
Anyway, that is my version 🙂